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210 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

150 Posts

1- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

2- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

3- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4- It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

5- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

6- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

7- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

8- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

10- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

11- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

12- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

13- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

14- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a happy hour.

15- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

16- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

17- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

18- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are REALLY good, you will get out of it.

19- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

20- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

21- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

23- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

24- Following the rules will not get the job done.

25- Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

26- When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?"

27- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

28- The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

9,844 Posts
22- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

do marker qualify as pens? if so, I'm SCREWED

21- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

aint that the truth?

The first list is hilarious

778 Posts
shadowcrx said:
my fav

"A Good friend will bail you out of jail, but a Real friend will be sitting next to you saying "that was freakin awsome""
Yup, that's what me and my friend always say to each other. It's never "dude I don't want to have to bail you out", it's "dude I don't want to be sitting with you overnight in jail!" hahha

1,705 Posts
Dren said:
very nice :D

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Damn if that ain't the truth!
Ya...I shoulda known this by now. I sold a spare set of mint 90-91 Si teardrops 3 weeks before I bought my last Special Edition, which came with scraped up teardrops. GRRRR!
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